Tuesday, February 10, 2009

The Top Ten Video Game Characters you Would Want on Your Side

8. Buddy Dacote (Doomguy) from Doom 3

“HOLY FUCK SHIT!!! FLYING HEAD, BAT, BABY, THINGS!!!” is one of the many things you would of heard me say if you were with me the first time I played through Doom 3 for the PC, along with frustrated screams and the sound of a head banging against a keyboard… Repeatedly.

The Game:
Who hasn’t, at least once in their life, played Doom?... No one. None that I’ve met, anyway. Back in the day everybody had a copy of Doom, and even if you didn’t, you would always go down the street to the nerdy kid’s house to blackmail him into letting you play it… or maybe that was just me.

Doom has always been a blood and guts, scare fest, jam-packed with pure bad-ass and Doom 3 is no change. Although the game is not as scary as other horror games out on the market, it still insists on making sure you’re always on 1 health, and making the med packs as sparse as a club sandwich in Siberia.

I like to think the creators took them out to make room for more bad-ass.

Why would I want him on my side:
He’s big. He’s bad, He’s ripped, and he’s got a big fucking gun. (That’s a actual gun you can get in the game, people) Buddy Dacote, the playable character, takes on and kicks the combined asses of the hordes of hell as they are unleashed on the universe. And the best bit of all, he dose it all without even complaining, in fact he might even enjoy brutalising hells army?

If you need anymore evidence of his ability to sweat pure bad-ass then check out this video. This is what I image the game would be like if Buddy Dacote ever talked.

Game Rating:

Monday, February 9, 2009

The Top Ten Video Game Characters you Would Want on Your Side

9: Princess Zelda from The Legend of Zelda series.

Ahh Nintendo, you have always been there for me, from my first gaming experience of Pokemon Red to the all-night Smash Bros tournaments. We all may of gown out of Nintendo, but there is something about it that keeps on drawing us back. The Simple but affective game play and often predictable story lines that somehow manages to appeal to our inner child, which in my case would be having a tantrum from to much Metal Gear.

The Game:
Ahh the game, or should I say games. Many people all over the world pulling all nighters just to get past that single infuriating puzzle that leaves you wanting to rip out the game disc and feed it to the dog, just to see it come out the end in a pile of shit.

But somehow people keep getting dawn back to it, after all Nintendo released thirteen games in the franchise for there various consoles. And Link, the main character of the series, with his constant HYAGHHH’s and various other grunts has put Nintendo up there among the grate gods of gaming… How? I have no idea.

Why would I want her on my side:
“Why Princess Zelda?” You may ask. “She is always being kidnapped” maybe so but it doesn’t really matter. It doesn’t distract from the fact that she knows magic, knows a whole bunch of songs that she can teach you that do various cool stuff and best of all, she’s a ninja…

You heard me, she is a ninja. In arguably the most popular Zelda game “Ocarina of Time” she disguised herself as Sheik the last survivor of the Sheikah and then continues to guide Link through a good part of the game. A magic wielding ninja… That’s freaking awesome. Why wouldn't you want her on your side

Game series Rating 6/10

The Top Ten Video Game Characters you Would Want on Your Side

10. Mike Toreno from Grand Theft Auto III: San Andreas

Left - James Woods

Okay first off, GTA: San Andreas is one of the best games ever created. There aren’t very many games that allow you to systematically torture and destroy innocent civilians only to see them respawn back into the sandbox game of the centaury. Also Samuel .L .Jackson plays one of the characters. I have to give it a extra point for that.

The Game:
When the game begins you take control Carl Johnson. C.J to his gangsta’ buddies. You spend the first set of missions finding your feat, gaining respect, being blackmailed by corrupt cops, and discovering you can literally do anything you freaking wanted, from getting a hair cut to flying a jet plain into a sky-scraper 9/11 style.

As the story progresses you find that your “hommies” have pulled a Brutus and Cassius and left you for dead in the badlands of San Andreas… C.J in his anger decides to kill the drug dealers responsible for turning his hommies “The Loco Syndicate.” This brings us to Mike Toreno who when we first meet him, is the leader of This Syndicate.

Why would I want him on my side:
We latter discover that he is actually a government agent. I know we were all shocked.

We don’t actually find out which government agency he works for, but it sounds important, the they-will kill-you-if-you-mess-with-them kind of important. From the various missions Mike blackmails you to do, you can build up a small idea of exactly how much this guy owns your soul.

Mike Toreno has a almost magical ability to get anyone to do anything for him, a impressive set of connections from Latin America to space aliens. Oh and he also wares a smart suit in the desert, any man with that kind of commitment to looking awesome has to be on your side, no matter who you happen to be fighting.

Game Rating:

Keep reading to find out who number 9 will be... I haven't actually decided yet.

Twilight: the official S&L review.

Yes, that's right: the good folks at S&L are kicking-off with a bang. That is, I've decided to review that for-some-reason-more-popular-than-breathing fangirl-fest, Twilight, which was released recently in Cinemas around the globe.

Allow me to start by addressing a common criminal in today's entertainment world. This lowly felon is the source of many disappointed and lacklustre expressions as the doors to another exciting new addition to society open wide. It is the primary offender, in some cases (such as Halo, Haze, and other such mediocrities), which turns a crowd full of anticipation into a crowd of confused, arched brows in mere seconds.

This criminal?


Twilight, I can safely say, was this decade's epic fail of the entertainment industry (at least as far as cinema is involved). It is boring, predictable, terribly corny, and the acting is cringe-worthy.

And I mean cringe-worthy.

Seriously, Edward Cullen would have been better played if the actor was a bag of dead jellyfish. Bella's character wasn't much better - imagine an actress with a wet ball of cement for a head and you're on the right track.

As I sat through this film, I could see the ideas there, I knew that somewhere, deep within the tedious storytelling and the Windows 95 special effects, there was a story, itching to climb to the surface and entertain us with a truly cool vampire drama.

But that didn't happen.

No, instead we are forced to listen to some poorly executed "romance" between two of the worst actors ever put on set (possibly only beaten by van Damme and Segal), an absolute lack of ANY kind of chemistry between these actors, and a sort-of-exciting battle scene (which we have to sit through the entire movie for) which ends in some more atrocious acting and one of the only cliffhangers I've ever seen that has left me thinking:

"Wow. I'm actually going to go out of my way to not see what happens."

And this is exactly what I am talking about: Hype. The book, which is supposedly equally as clumsy in its narrative ability (so I've heard... I've never braved the pages of it, after seeing this stinker), was raved about like it was the answer to life. Or course, they were mostly fangirls (and no fangirl should be taken seriously), but for weeks and weeks all that could be heard were overrated reviews about this goddamn book.

As if this wasn't enough, the movie soon exploded into cinemas, and the hype skyrocketed. Opening night, and hundreds and hundreds of excited fans are waiting to see Stephanie Meyer's amazing "novel" come to life on the big screen.

Are you ready for the ride of your life?!? LET'S GO SEE TWILIGHT!

You sit down snugly into your seat, grab the lollies, fangasm at the thought of Edward Cullen, and then the movie starts.

And then you realise that Robert Pattinson is reading his lines like he had never rehearsed them in his life. And he's a plank of wood.

You realise that the special effects and climbing/jumping/running sequences could have been better recreated using Microsoft Paint.

You realise... that you have just wasted thirteen dollars and 120 minutes of your life that you're never going to get back.

And part of your soul, the small part that may have actually trusted the further evolution of humanity, actually withers and dies.

And people said this was going to be good? Well, isn't that a nice big middle finger! Twilight is, in fact, a horrid representation of a clumsily written book, and not a fantastic, edge-of-your-seat drama. I can appreciate that the story is there somewhere - but where? It seems that it has been crushed, the poor thing, by a deluge of monotonous cliches and groan-inducing action sequences that would make Toy Story seem like a action-packed thriller. Watching someone clean a brick with a toothbrush would be more exciting than this.

On top of all that, we get a few overrated songs to call a "soundtrack", and the few interesting characters that we do end up liking (Carlisle, namely: the most believable Cullen of the lot) get far too little character development to warrant any second thoughts about this movie.

To make matters worse, the movie doesn't even touch on half of the concepts which would make it so much easier to understand: namely, the rest of the Cullens' powers, and exactly why we are given a truly terribly portrayed villain half-an-hour before the movie ends.

Yes, that's right. The main villain is introduced in the last quarter of the movie. There is no development of his "evil nature" as a character, he utters horrible one-liners and phrases that we would expect a Captain Planet baddie to say, and his motive for wanting to be so evil?

"It's his game" we are told. He wants to play.

No maniacal schemes for globalisation. No financial disaster that he needs to rectify. No ransom. No organised murder. Hell, we're not even fed the usual "I want to take over the world! MWAHAHA!!!" crap. There is no real motive for this villain's actions, and it sucks balls. How are we supposed enjoy a villain that has no personality? Well, I shouldn't be surprised; it's not like any of the other characters had any.

In short, this movie is a waste of anyone's time. It's slow, horrendously cliche, and just plain poor in its execution. At no point during this movie did I feel any immersion in its storytelling. Twilight is like lukewarm water: tasteless and unpleasant. There is no "feeling" whatsoever.

Even after trying to empathise with its huddle of intendikit characters, I left that cinema still wondering if I had been told a story or not.

People really should be doing something more worthwhile with their time, like jumping into a pile of rusty needles.

OVERVIEW: The premise for a reasonable narrative is there, but the rest somehow got turned into something that vaguely resembles wet poo. Avoid.